Ashlee Simpson Lip-syn amazing: One of the perks associated with being Greek in college is the annual week-long celebration known as “Greek Week.” Consisting of competitive events designed to establish which fraternity and sorority is superior to the others on campus, Greek Week strengthens the bond of brotherhood and sisterhood. Through challenges including soccer, football, tug-of-war and even a keg toss, points are tallied all week toward receiving a trophy and earning the reputation of kicking ass. To the dismay of the other fraternities, my brothers held the title of excellence year after year. Even with the setback of being teamed with the Phi Pigs for the talent portion, I was unwilling to let our winning streak to cease.
According to tradition, the most recently initiated pledge class had to perform in the talent competition. It was also tradition for whatever fraternity was teamed up with the Phi Pigs to forfeit. The Phi Pigs are the type of girls who will participate in online dating for the rest of their lives. Oh, and a fair warning to all skinny girls with a Facebook account, they have been known to use your profile pictures to attract their cyber-boyfriends.
“This year the talent competition is called ‘The Ashlee Simpson Lip-sync Spectacular,’” informed my fraternity’s president at our weekly chapter meeting. The name was appropriately modernized, as the event was being held shortly after Ashlee Simpson’s lip-syncing fiasco on “Saturday Night Live.” “We are teamed up with the Phi Pigs. The objective is to perform an act through lip-syncing. We need to win this if we are going to win Greek Week.
With the pressure on to preserve our winning streak, I went to rehearsal at the Phi Pigs’ house. Half-tempted to ask if they would wear paper bags over their awkward faces as I entered the room full of young girls who all shared poor genes, I managed to refrain myself for fear of vomit projecting as I opened my mouth to speak the words.
“Isn’t this sexy?” asked the bundle of 250 pounds as she showed off a suggestive dance move. “Listen!” I demanded. “If you want to win, we are going to do ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ with me as the sweet transvestite.” “So the judges will find it funny and give us more points?” asked the 250-pound dancing machine. “Sure,” I agreed, to spare her feelings instead of revealing the truth that I would look better in a dress than any of them and their cellulite divots.
After a week of rehearsals and six shots of cheap tequila I prescribed myself in preparation of handling the fact that I was about to perform in drag, we showed “The Ashlee Simpson Lip-sync Spectacular” who’s boss. Though it took hard work, tequila and a thong riding up my ass crack, we won both the talent competition and Greek Week! That’s the story of how I triumphed as a transvestite to help my fraternity champion Greek Week! Yippe Kay Yay, motherf---er! w